Patrick Clancy, his grief journey and the optics of moving on after tragedy

Patrick Clancy, his grief journey and the optics of moving on after tragedy.

Key points

• Judging someone for how they grieve is incredibly harmful, remarked Jill Daino, a licensed social worker and founding member of the Talkspace Council of Mental Health Experts.
• "That night, I really thought there was a chance that Callan would live, " Clancy shared in his first televised interview on CBS' "60 Minutes" on Sept.
• Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is backed by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners.
• When Patrick Clancy came home from running errands and picking up dinner for his family on the evening of Jan.
• Dive deeper: 25 years ago, Andrea Yates killed her 5 kids.

Patrick Clancy, his grief journey and the optics of moving on after tragedy. Madeline Mitchell USA TODAY. Patrick Clancy's new wife calls him 'most selfless father'.

Patrick Clancy and his new wife are speaking out in their first interview since a mistrial was declared in the case against his ex-wife Lindsay.

When Patrick Clancy came home from running errands and picking up dinner for his family on the evening of Jan. 24, 2023, he knew his life was changed forever.

He discovered his now ex-wife, Lindsay Clancy, lying in the backyard after a suicide attempt. Patrick Clancy remarked he then identified his three children strangled in the basement, and he called 911. Two of his young children, 5-year-old Cora and 3-year-old Dawson, were already dead, and 8-month-old Callan was airlifted to Boston Children's Hospital.

"That night, I really thought there was a chance that Callan would live, " Clancy shared in his first televised interview on CBS' "60 Minutes" on Sept. 20. "And I remember just thinking, just offer me one. Just offer me one kid. And I would raise him as best I could, and I would offer him the best life I possibly could. And I'd tell him regarding his brother and sister. And I was holding out hope for that."

Callan died four days afterwards. "I'm so grateful for those four days that I had with him, " Clancy remarked on "60 Minutes." He stated he was able to hold Callan, talk to him and lie with him in his final moments. "He died in my arms, " Clancy remarked.

Dive deeper: 25 years ago, Andrea Yates killed her 5 kids. The world had a particularly different reaction.

Clancy has faced scrutiny online for what some saw as a lack of emotion during his testimony in the triple-murder case against his ex-wife. It resulted in a mistrial in early September. During his "60 Minutes" interview, his new wife, Dr. Rachel Danis, joined him and shared that they are expecting their first child together, adding to the public outcry.

At best, Clancy's critics have questioned his love for his family. "He didn't care about his family, or at least his wife, before all this, " one user posted on TikTok, adding that he "moved on really quickly." At worst, they have accused him of killing his children and framing his ex-wife – an unsupported conspiracy theory since Lindsay Clancy has admitted to killing her children, and the trial focused on whether she was to be held criminally responsible, not whether or not she killed her kids.

Individuals grieve in all different ways, stated grief coach and licensed social worker Erin Barbossa, and for individuals who experience extreme tragedy, "their psyche is just focused on survival." While Barbossa has produced a point not to follow the Clancy trial and stated mental health professionals can't and shouldn't produce assessments without working with a client directly, she does know that grief is more complicated than most individuals can let on, and that it's not helpful to judge the way that anyone grieves.

"You cannot judge grief and how individuals process it. Everyone's relationship with grief or an event is particularly, highly unique to that person, " noted Rob Fazio, a licensed psychologist and cofounder of Hold The Door For Others, a nonprofit organization that offers free resources and guidance for those processing grief. As it relates to Clancy's situation, is even more nuanced and complex, he continued that traumatic grief.

"This is traumatic and complicated grief, and there is no path, " Fazio remarked.

Why it doesn't sit right to see someone 'move on' after tragedy.

Individuals don't really "move on" from profound loss, Fazio stated, but they can learn how to live alongside their grief and try to find meaning in their lives. That's what he thinks Clancy is doing now.

"You can grieve and grow at the same time, and healthy relationships are part of growth, " Fazio remarked. "That doesn't mean that you're forgetting about the children that you lost."

But seeing someone like Clancy appear to have "moved on" with a new wife and baby on the way can be triggering to others, Fazio remarked, and lead to judgment as "we don't like change" and tend to criticize "things we don't understand." And judgment surrounding grief isn't reserved for Clancy or public figures. Regular individuals who experience tragic losses feel this pressure all of the time, Barbossa stated.

"A lot of times, people who are grieving feel very much on a stage, like everybody's watching what they're doing, " she remarked, even in small communities. That pressure, Barbossa remarked, can feel magnified as residents create other life decisions like whether to start dating again or to move to a new home.

Judging someone for how they grieve is incredibly harmful, remarked Jill Daino, a licensed social worker and founding member of the Talkspace Council of Mental Health Experts. Everyone experiences grief at some point in their life, she remarked, and yet grief is still "one of the most isolating experiences that people go through."

"There is not one way to grieve. There's not a right or a wrong way to grieve, " Daino said, adding that "there's not a timeline for grief" and that it can be "a particularly private process."

"People think, 'Oh my gosh, someone should be crying all the time.' It doesn't necessarily look like that in public, " she remarked.

Like Fazio, she remarked that most residents don't actually "move on" from grief, "but their lives do continue."

"We do not know what is going on behind the scenes for anyone, " she remarked.

If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and backing, please call, text or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services.

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is backed by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach Madeline at [email protected] and @maddiemitch_ on X. Share your feedback to support improve our site!

Taken together, the developments around patrick Clancy, his grief journey and the optics of moving on after point to a situation that is still moving, and the coming days should bring more clarity.