From love-bombing to gaslighting: Recognising narcissistic abuse

Key points

• With actors Anupama Parameswaran and Madonna Sebastian speaking out about their harrowing experiences, the subject has once again identified itself…
• Psychiatrist and author Dr Arun B Nair describes NPD as a condition in which a person is primarily focused on…
• Karthika (name changed) was married for nearly 13 years, before separating from her husband.
• It is this gap that survivor-led collective Dignity Rising Kerala hopes to address.

Narcissistic abuse is back in the conversation. With actors Anupama Parameswaran and Madonna Sebastian speaking out about their harrowing experiences, the subject has once again identified itself at the centre of discussion.

But what exactly is narcissistic abuse? How does one identify it, and what can one do when a relationship begins to erode their sense of self?

Narcissism, in itself, is not necessarily a disorder. Traits such as confidence, a desire for recognition or even occasional self-centredness can exist to varying degrees in anyone.

It, however, becomes a concern when these traits form a persistent pattern that affects relationships and causes harm to others.

What happened

That’s called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — a clinically diagnosed mental health condition characterised by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration and a diminished capacity for empathy.

Red flags

Psychiatrist and author Dr Arun B Nair describes NPD as a condition in which a person is primarily focused on themselves.

“They can only love themselves and feel that they are a boon to humankind, and their presence is a blessing to all those present in their life,” he explains.

The details

While being intolerant of criticism, according to him, such a person seeks constant validation, appreciation and applause.

“They may initially appear well-read and cultured, communicate eloquently, and even come across as a good listener. They also may sound like a counsellor and create the impression that they are a wonderful person,” he states.

Over time, however, the constant craving for admiration and control becomes apparent. And criticism, even when minor, may trigger rage or mortification.

A common trait is gaslighting, Dr Arun points out. “A person may deny something that clearly happened with such conviction that the other person eventually begins questioning their own perception,” he explains.

Why it matters

Another pattern, he adds, is what he describes as a ‘cat-and-mouse game’. There may be intense affection and attention for a period, followed by ghosting. Just when the other person begins preparing to leave, the affection returns.

“This gives the narcissistic person a sense of power,” he says. “Over time, however, such cycles can leave the other person emotionally shattered.”

Not just between partners

Narcissistic abuse is not confined to romantic relationships. As psychologist Seema Girija Lal points out, these patterns can play out in marriages, friendships, workplaces and parent-child relationships, regardless of gender.

Background

“A parent may manipulate a child, a friend may constantly undermine another, or a teacher may use their position to seek control and validation,” she says. “The relationship may change, but the patterns of behaviour remain similar.”

Seema, however, cautions on using the label of a ‘narcissist’. “It is now used so casually that it can become tempting to bill anyone who appears selfish, assertive or difficult as a narcissist,” she says.

“The real red flags are patterns such as constantly making another person doubt their memory of events or feeling compelled to over-explain even basic choices.”At its core, Seema notes, narcissistic behaviour is rooted in deep anxiety, a fragile ego, and self-preservation. “If the environment and the people around them are not in their control, they don’t feel safe. It is a little tricky. No one is born this way. As professionals, we need to view with empathy. At the end of the day, everybody is human.”

For someone experiencing narcissistic abuse, however, one of the most challenging battles can be convincing others — and sometimes even themselves — that something is wrong.

What comes next

Karthika (name changed) was married for nearly 13 years, before separating from her husband. She recalls that the early warning signs were often dismissed as “normal aspects of marriage”.

Toxic love-bombing was called care and affection, financial abuse was normalised, and silent treatment was attributed to his ‘masculine’ nature. With a child involved and divorce conflicting with her religious beliefs, she strove to make the relationship work.

Eventually, Karthika says, the stress began affecting her health. “My body was yelling that this is too much stress to handle,” she says.

Isolated from her family, a friend eventually became a vital source of support. A turning point came when she sought legal protection. Today, she lives separately with her child and says they are “safe and peaceful”.

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A support system

It is this gap that survivor-led collective Dignity Rising Kerala hopes to address. Started by survivors themselves on Instagram, the group brings together residents from different walks of life, including lawyers and psychologists. This person use their experiences and skills to backing others.

“We receive many messages every day from people who are going through severe emotional and physical abuse, as well as from those facing difficult legal procedures,” says Sikha Krishna, one of the core members.

The collective offers emotional support and, within its capacity, helps survivors access legal guidance and other forms of assistance.

“We are also working towards creating greater awareness among police and other authorities about the difficulties survivors face,” says Sikha.
The truth remains that it may not always be straightforward to free oneself from narcissistic personalities.

In such situations, the question becomes not just how to survive the relationship, but how to protect one’s sense of self while navigating it.
Dr Arun cautions that the consequences of prolonged narcissistic abuse can extend beyond the relationship itself. “Victims may experience a shattered sense of self-esteem and develop depression,” he says.

So if a relationship is breaking one down despite efforts to mend it, he reiterates: get out. 

At a glance

The term narcissism traces back to Narcissus, a hunter in Greek mythology who became obsessed with his own beauty after falling in love with his reflection in a pool of water. Narcissus became so consumed by his reflection that he stared at it until his death.

Prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is estimated to affect 0.5% to 6.2% of adults. Studies note 50% to 75% of people diagnosed with NPD are men.

Taking on NPD

A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can reclaim quality life through long-term therapies. If needed, medication may also be prescribed to manage aggression, anxiety or depression.

Causes

Genetics can play a role

Parenting patterns can also contribute. When parents excessively praise a child without helping them recognise their limitations, it may reinforce an inflated sense of self-worth.

Learned behaviour is another possible factor. Children observe, imitate and internalise behaviours they see.

Negative childhood experiences such as trauma, rejection, neglect and a lack of emotional support

Common traits

Grandiosity: An inflated sense of self-importance

Fantasies: Preoccupation with power, success, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.

Feeling special: A belief that they are unique

Need for admiration: A constant need for praise

Entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of special treatment

Exploitation: Using or manipulating others for personal gain without guilt.

Lack of empathy: Difficulty recognising or caring about the feelings and needs of others.

Envy: Frequent jealousy of others or a belief that others are jealous of them.

Arrogance: Haughty, conceited or superior behaviour and attitude.

Begins in childhood

The presence of a narcissistic parent may aggravate the problem.

“Similarly, some parents may over-indulge a child, praise them unrealistically, or treat them as inherently superior to others,” says Dr John.

“Not providing the crucial life skill of self-awareness and facing realities complicates the issue.” 

Most of narcissistic personality traits, he notes, are usually seen in school situations and in peer group interactions. “If identified early, therapy can help,” says Dr John.