There’s a new toxic dating trend: ‘cushioning.’ Is it cheating?

There's a new toxic dating trend: 'cushioning.' Is it cheating?

Key points

• Rachel Hale's role covering Youth Mental Health at USA TODAY is backed by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners.
• Even when it doesn't extend to full-on cheating, the behavior of cushioning often backfires, according to Chan.
• For those who have been cushioned, Chan notes it's normal to feel the grief of separation and a sense of betrayal.
• From swiping on apps to expensive dinners, plenty of are trying to curate the perfect movie-level "meet cute."
• You may have heard of "breadcrumbing, " when someone gives a romantic prospect just enough attention to keep them interested.

There's a new toxic dating trend: 'cushioning.' Is it cheating? Rachel Hale USA TODAY. Gen Z dating trends are everywhere – we tried some.

Gen Z is having a tough time dating. From swiping on apps to expensive dinners, plenty of are trying to curate the perfect movie-level "meet cute."

But what if someone is doing the same thing while they're already in a relationship?

That's called "cushioning, " a dating trend where someone in a monogamous relationship keeps backup options around.

It can happen when someone texts an ex-partner in secrecy. It might look like keeping a dating profile up or liking someone's stories on Instagram and messaging them in flirtatious ways to keep a spark alive.

"Someone will cushion because they are afraid of being alone, or getting rejected, and so having someone to fall back on in case their current relationship doesn't work out can help them brace for the fall, " notes Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author of "UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts." "Hence the word 'cushioning' which gives them a soft landing in the event of heartache." What 'cushioning' states regarding us.

"Cushioning" may involve the same behaviors as "benching, " keeping a backup lineup of options alive. The difference is that these behaviors go from inconsiderate to a real matter when done while in a committed relationship.

Chan notes that cushioning can stem from "a shaky sense of safety and self worth." Cushioning can additionally be a form of avoidance: Someone has doubts regarding the relationship they're in, but figures out ways to secretly exit instead of dealing with those matters by having a conversation with their partner.

"To feel OK, they need the validation of someone else, " Chan notes. "The idea of not having an external source of validation is too uncomfortable, so they feel the need to line up multiple sources of it in case one runs out."

Cushioning can rapidly turn into "monkey barring" or "branch swinging, " lining up the next relationship before ending a current one. A person who is cushioning, by contrast, might not have any intends of leaving their current partner, but they're making sure they have a landing spot if they do.

It might be as simple as someone passively keeping their dating app profile up and running, but can extend to sexual texting, ranting to a romantic prospect regarding matters in one's relationship or providing emotional backing that goes beyond that of a friend. And yes, cushioning can happen with someone's ex.

Chan notes behaviors like breadcrumbing, benching and cushioning are amplified as individuals are lacking the skills to agreement with relationship conflict, so instead of having uncomfortable conversations, they avoid the challenges. And the proliferation of dating apps hasn't supported.

"If someone participates in one of these toxic dating trends, there's no social consequences. Whereas a few decades ago, where most individuals were gathering through work, friends and family, you couldn't just obtain away with this sort of behavior, " Chan states.

Chan previously informed USA TODAY we shouldn't be surprised that buzzy new dating terms keep cropping up. Modern dating has become so baffling in the digital age, she remarked, that residents are struggling to create sense of their experiences – so they're inventing new words to process them.

"Modern dating has gotten so complicated that we need new words just to describe what's happening to us, " she remarked. "It's like we've made dating struggles part of our public conversation in a way that just didn't happen before."

More: Dating trends reached new lows this year. What are 'throning, ' 'Shrekking, ' 'Banksying'?

Cushioning could fall under the umbrella of "microcheating, " unfaithful acts that might not pass the test of obvious cheating but are still a breach of trust.

And over time, these small acts of disloyalty can snowball into a bigger difficulty.

"It's about the root energy of these actions, " Chan notes. "Bottom line is if you're in an exclusive, monogamous relationship but you're keeping flirtatious back channels open, you're breaking the spirit of the agreement even if you haven't technically broken a formal rule."

Chan notes an straightforward way to determine whether you're crossing a line is to apply the golden rule: If your partner saw the messages and interactions, would they be comfortable with it? Would you be comfortable with your behavior being out in the open?

More: Gen Z is 'monkey barring' – not cheating. It's not what you think. What to do if you've been cushioned.

"It's easy to say 'don't ruminate, ' but the reality is you'll probably doubt yourself, wonder if there were signs that they had someone waiting on the sidelines and even doubt if what you shared was real, " Chan notes.

All of these feelings are valid, but it additionally isn't helpful to produce assumptions or obsess over clues you might have missed. After a period of grieving the relationship, it's OK to reflect on what lessons to take from the experience so as to grow.

"Were there problems in the relationship that were swept under the rug? Did you walk on egg shells and not speak your truth? You cannot control what happened previously, you cannot control your ex, but you can choose to find the learning opportunity so you can grow from it, " Chan notes.

And ultimately, remember that cushioning has everything to do with the perpetrator, not you.

"If you do choose to work through it, it's important to define what your commitment looks like, what counts as betrayal and be on the same page on what type of relationship you're in and what is appropriate, " Chan notes. Charles Trepany contributed reporting.

Rachel Hale's role covering Youth Mental Health at USA TODAY is backed by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach her at [email protected] and @rachelleighhale on X. Share your feedback to support improve our site!

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